I hate rain because it reminds me of sad things, just like tonight. I always associate it with sad days. It oftentimes, makes me emotional and sensitive. And when I am not home, it quite ruins my day and changes my mood. It makes me remember the aches that should have been washed away few years back. It feels like memories are refreshed by the sound it creates when it pours and flashes back the pains anew. Just then I thought I got over with them and moved on when I realize, things are still the same, they still hurt. I don't know if I am just being self-centered but it seems that I will never learn because I refused to do so nor let go of the old things even if holding on is futile. I am over-thinking, I know, and I care too much of what I feel, but I don't know. If you can fathom me, I only want to continue this for as long as I can even if this means hurting myself more. I thought I already stopped but it only feels like I ran out of battery and now I am fully-charged again.
There are a lot of things I found out and was laid open to me shockingly like Pandora's box. I was furious at first, like any sane human would have reacted, and that's it, I am now back to my unusual self. I can't undo them but I can always accept them and learn to love what I knew. I could only care less if this would not be returned for as long as I know what I feel is genuine, so then I am fine. I am capable of loving while being rejected at the same time. I have managed since I don't know when. Pathetic? Who cares? I find happiness in somebody else's happiness and I think to love is my purpose here. I doubt if someone would be able to recognize that but all I know is that what I am doing is right. Who could go wrong by loving? Yes, there are just things a little more complicated than we think but if you only believe in love, then what else could be more important? You won't feel pain unless you love. And loving is a sweet risk any of us are willing to take.
The irony though is that one may think she has given her best to let her love show however, misunderstood. That would be the saddest thing yet why surrender if it was all for love? I sound too dumb, right? I admit it. I have been too cynical about love, too in control, too unbelieving, too coward, but it is too powerful for me not to give in, too difficult for me to go against, and too pure for me to resist. I am too tired to be self-controlling because it is tearing me apart and it does not remedy my fear of being under the spell of it, and it only strengthens my pride. I have been under the impression that I am too smart to be outwitted by it and because of that, I had myself covered inside a shell of callousness and hardened by fear. And I realize, I should be softened by the sweetness it brings, happy by the lightness of it, and give in to the feeling of having fulfilled a purpose. Then I will start to just love and let everything work for me as it should be because He is there, will always be there, and love has connect me to Him. Therefore, He will also connect me with those people around me through my love and most importantly, through His love. That's all that matters.
~ feminista ~
