Melancholic Heart

First quarter of the year. I think this is becoming a yearly routine, beginning my year spending it on lousy and gloomy days. Though it is true that I had been happy on some days, shared giggles on other days but behind all those smiles, are two sad eyes and a pain-struck heart.

I am becoming a fool. A fool trying to convince myself not to believe on one thing that I am more than sure of. The one thing that I kept on denying to myself. The one thing that I had been depriving myself because I cannot accept that inspite all the efforts of being strong I had been caught by the trap where I helplessly revealed the soft and weak me.

Yesterday, I was skimming through my notes and realized that on the same month, the same silence happened last year and few years back. I was blank for a moment and started to question myself about the pattern. Does it simply mean I know him too well or it only entails something that I need to know once and for all?

When I see the vastness of the ocean, I remember him as if he smells of salty breeze and he brought happiness on summer. When I look at my phone, I long to hear the voice that I once laughed together with. When I listen to the music, it seems like the melodies are meant for us. But all of these are memories and it brought lump on my throat as if I want to keep those tears running. Perhaps tears are made to wash away the hurts and cleanse us to start anew. Now, when I see the rain, I can feel the sadness on every drops as if its coolness brings chills and tingles on my skin which frightened me even more. When I am at the confines of the four-cornered wall of my room, it feels like I am suffocated, alone, and the emptiness is getting worse. I watch at the sunshine but I don't see the brightness that gives glow to my mornings like it did before. I saw the biggest moon in January, was amazed by how wonderful God had made it, but I was numbed and blinded to
see the magic it brought that day.

When I scrutinized each pages with bold scribbles on each dates, it made me reminisce the days when I am so in love the way I am now. Nothing has changed. I feel all the same no more no less. And I don't care what the pattern meant because all I care about is the special thing within me that still gives me the genuine happiness and hope. Hope not to have him back but the hope that I will still be able to see how beautiful love can be. The beauty it brought to me as a person because it made me see things that my eyes is not capable of seeing. And feeling heaven while bleeding and appreciating how wonderful it is to cry in pain but still keeping yourself whole. Because you are grasping that one good thing you cannot bargain to other people. I know myself better now because when I say love, it is not being given that love back but keep on loving even if it cuts you deep. It is when you love without expectation that you will understand what it really means.
Just love and love and love and you will realize that by loving, it is not only through sharing the love and wishing something back but it is being selfless and patient for the sake of loving.